Repentance? Sounds Gross.

I haven't been able to get away from the word. It seems like everything I hear, listen to or talk about leads me back to the art of repenting. I guess it's not really an art. A simple act is more like it. But SIMPLE can be incredibly intimidating. But the more I engage in the act of repentance, the more I see the beauty in it. I'm beginning to understand why Jesus talked about it so much. Why he exclaimed, "REPENT!" and urged us to do so. Because it brings freedom. It shuts down the enemy and his schemes. It brings Glory to God and it is authentic. Repenting is REFRESHING. It says so in Acts 7:10, "Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing my come from the Lord."

First, let me explain what I mean by the "act of repentance." To repent is to stop the way you're going, turn around, and walk the other way. By repenting, I am simply admitting to another person my sin and choosing to walk away from that sin. Shoot. Repenting is easy! Walking away and training my sinful nature (aka my "flesh) to not continue down the path it's used to is the hard part.

I heard it said that if we say Jesus died for our sins, but we don't talk about our sin, then what we're saying is that we don't believe HE DIED FOR US. Woah. What!? But it makes sense. If I believe that he died for my sins and that my slate is wiped clean, why would I hide in shame and try to cover it up? I would be like Adam & Eve in the garden, ashamed and thinking I could hide from God. I am not fooling anyone but myself if I pretend that I have my life together. I am only acting like a self-righteous and arrogant woman that refuses to receive what God has for me. That sounds harsh, but when I am like that, it's ugly.

I want REFRESHING. I want FREEDOM. I want to be AUTHENTIC. I want to draw people to Jesus, not repel them because I'm trying (and failing) to be perfect. When I repent, that is the beginning of me choosing God. I can't ignore the fact that as Christ-followers, we're asked to be obedient and to do this. It's freeing to know that I can and will mess up, and that's OKAY. Because we all do. But you know what, I am fumbling through this, and I am desperate for what God wants to give me. I know that He is good and that what He has for me is good. My prayer is that he would continue to break me. Continue to speak clearly about what parts of my life bear bad fruit (John 15:2) so that I will be fruitful.

Take the Lead

I was talking to God tonight about being tired. I am SO VERY TIRED. I am tired of fighting, tired of losing, tired of struggling, tired of purging, tired of overcoming, just...tired. I started to think about how this is a theme in my life. I often go to God with the complaint of being tired, and every time he comes right back at me with, "Let me fight for you." That sounds GREAT right? But WHAT does that mean? The fact that I keep coming back to God time and time again saying, "I'm tired" and he keeps responding (with a deep sigh and smirky grin at my silliness I imagine) "let me fight for you" that I am not letting him fight for me. Instead, I'm trying to take the battle for him and constantly getting in his way or stealing his armor and trying to use it myself

When I think about God "fighting for me" it seems like such an obscure thought. How does GOD fight for me? I'm not on a battlefield waving my giant sword in tears as I parade towards my nemesis clothed in black bearing steel armor. No, I'm living day to day with internal spiritual struggles. So if God is supposed to be fighting for me, spiritually, how do I let him do that?

I came to a clear realization tonight about what it means. It's not about me saying, "take this from me", although that can be a huge part of it, but it doesn't end there. It's not even about me acknowledging the truth that God desires for us to "not be anxious about anything" (Philippines 4:4). I let God fight for me when I choose to submit to Him. One of my favorite scriptures is in Exodus, Moses faced the Israelites and spoke to them in their fear and struggle, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today...The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." That's great! But they still had to SUBMIT to God and his plan for them. To walk AGAINST fear and escape Egypt. Had they chosen fear, the Israelites would have never experienced freedom and lived the rest of their lives in slavery. Much like how when I chose fear, I'm choosing to be in bondage to whatever battle I am trying to win on my own. Man, the Bible has great metaphors!

My prayers are moving from, "God I need you to do what you said and fight for me!" to "God, show me where I can submit to you so that I can step aside and let you take lead." I am thankful that all God asks of me, is that I receive more of Him. And sometimes receiving is the hardest thing that we can do, but when it is God, it is good.

More Like Moses

Moses was a GREAT leader. He led an entire group of people out of slavery, led them towards the promised land, wrote our 10 commandments. These are all amazing accomplishments done by a man that simply followed God.

I read the story of Moses again tonight, and a few new things struck me. When God was instructing Moses, God said, "I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain." So, wait...God's sign that it was him was that it happened? Exactly. How many times have we felt led by God and weren't sure of His plans until they were accomplished? So often we ask for miraculous signs like Elijah, when all God gives us is the confirmation that it is DONE. And when it's done, we worship. What a great and glorious circle. Trust, Faith in action, Worship.

Have you ever stopped and really thought about all of the questions that Moses asked God? He was incredibly self-doubting and even went so far ask God to send someone else. Moses said things like "Who am I?", "What if they don't believe me?" "What if they ask who sent me, what do I tell them?" "What if they don't listen to me?" And God was patient. He answered every concern of Moses. And when Moses told God, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue," this was God's beautiful response: "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? is it not I, the Lord? Now go. I will help you speak and teach you what to say."

Even in Moses' unbelief and inability, God provided. God gave Moses what he was missing so that he could accomplish and succeed in where God was leading him. This is a concept that I am really soaking in. None of us are perfect and it's so often that God uses us IN our imperfection. But God always meets us. In this case, God HELPED MOSES AND TAUGHT HIM. And when Moses spoke boldly and eloquently in front of Pharaoh, all of the glory went to God because it was in Moses's weakness and God's strength that he was able to do so. Moses could always point back to God. I can only imagine that this gave Moses continuous encouragement to walk away and see how God intervened and spoke through him. Moses learned dependence on God and how to receive from Him. A lesson that I am continuously stumbling through.

I've been doubting the place that I feel like God has me because I feel completely incapable. It is good to be reminded that GOD IS GOOD and he meets us where we are. When we are babies he feeds us milk and when we are lacking, there he is sufficient. My prayer has transformed to seeking God to meet me in my needs and teach me in my weakness. I know that this still requires a lot of work and a lot of leaning into him, but I must believe that God's plans are to prosper me and to sustain me, and that He will never let the righteous fail.

God's Whispers

Below is a message by one of the great pastors of our generation, Bill Hybels. He pastors Willow Creek Community Church just outside Chicago, IL In this message, he talks about the power of God’s simple whisper. Wow, very challenging message. I hope it challenges you today as it challenged me.

Whispers - Bill Hybels from LifeChurchTV on Vimeo.

Beauty In The Forgotten

"I will not photoshop the Truth. As a means to appease the uncomfortability of truth truthfully speaking. I will not crop out what others prefer to go unsaid or resize truth for the purposes of fitting in your frame. I will not resize or rotate or flip it so when you first hear it, it feels less offensive. I believe scars are lessons learned so I won't even fix any blemishes. I won't adjust the contrast to make the message a little bit brighter. I won't add any special effects so the image looks more like me as opposed to Christ. See beauty in what you may see as ugly because Christ somehow saw beauty in me."

Those are lines from a poetry reading I watched online today. Pieces of me jumped hearing her tell her story, Beauty amongst the damages and scars and wounds. There is hope and strength in believing that to be true. All of us have wounds, we all have scars from our past. Some are deeper and more shameful than others. The enemy is a deciever. He likes to tell us that those wounds are dirty, that they should be hidden. The beauty of Christ is that exposes the rawness of those wounds and breathes God's breathe on them to heal and show others, "Look, this is what Christ has done."

When I was in college, I did a photography piece on Beauty in the Forgotten. The concept of Beauty amongst the Forgotten really resonates with me. I never realized the repercussions of a divorced family tangled with abuse and abandonment until I was an adult. I grew up between two budding families, never really being a part of either. Like a lost child looking through the windows at loving family, I grew up desperately desiring to be loved and apart of something deeper and bigger than me. Relationships were something I learned to separate myself from. I mistook numbness for healing.

Those scars and wounds are now a part of my story. I may broken, but I still see Christ's face. I DO ask myself "why?" Why God, was I not more protected? Why God, have I had to walk through that and stand helplessly as my sisters and brothers were bruised and scarred with me? I'm not sure I will ever know all the answers to my questions. But I take comfort in this; God sent his SON, his Son who was perfect and blameless to be bruised and abandoned, rejected and ultimately killed. God sent his Son to bear the burden of my sin. And God looks down on me, in love and says that this is not what he intended. This is not who he created me to be.

God shows me the beauty that is within me. God does not Photoshop the truth. He sees the scars, the wounds and damages and embraces them. He helps me disrobe my fears and stand before you and say as a testimony before you that it was worth it. Some of us won't hear it unless it's from somebody that went through. It was worth every single ounce of mental, physical and spiritual pain and I would go through it again if you would allow me stand before you and encourage you to allow Him to give Glory. Because like Paul, I reckon that the present circumstances are just. Not worthy to be compared with the Glory that shall be revealed in us.

Grace in Hardship

A lot of times in my life, and in the life of my community, it seems like God works in themes. In my small group last week, we talked a lot about hardship, and it is most definitely a concept that I have been walking through. A lot of times, I feel like hardship is unfair and nothing but difficult. But I'm learning to understand that God sees it differently. Scripture says that God works all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28) and the further I press into God the more I see that to be true.

Take hardship. We all have it, we all experience it. It is not something that we experience once and then never again. Hardship will weave in and out of our lives in different intensities with different circumstances. And God allows it. I don't believe that God allows it because He is cruel, or because we are unprotected even; I think God allows it because we are flawed and there are lessons to be learned from it.

Have you ever met an adult that grew up in a wealthy distant family, who had no struggles, nothing he had to work for, no cares in the world. Now how many of those people, who raised that way, have you met that were loving, kind and giving? Not many. Check this out:

"You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus...Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs - he wants to please his commanding officer. Similarly, if anyone competes as an athelete, he does not receive the victors crown unless he competes according to the rules. The hardworking farmer should be the first to receive a share of the crops. Reflect on what I am saying, for the Lord will give you insight into this." (2nd Timothy 2:1-7)

What does this say to you? To me, it says 4 things:

1.) God gives us grace. There is a special grace that is available to us in the midst of hardship! God wants us to lean into Him and receive this from Him. He loves us and will see us through.

2.) Hardship clarifies our mission. We are soldiers of Christ, and our mission is to serve Him. Whatever our commander wants us to do, wherever He wants us to be, that's where we're at. Something about going through difficulty sobers us. Helps us snap back to reality that we are here to serve Christ and to love others.

3.) Hardship develops personal & spiritual discipline. Whenever I'm going through something difficult, that's when I lean into God the most. It's when I grow the most. God uses these times to draw us close to Him, because that's where we find freedom and grace. Embrace it :)

4.) There are rewards. Think back in this past year of your life. What were some of the best parts and the worst parts? It was funny to me how some of the most troubling times led to some of the best things. We work hard, we receive a share of the crops.

GOD IS GOOD.

Can I believe in the Bible?

I had a conversation yesterday with a friend who created a small paradigm shift in my thinking. The concept that the Bible contradicts itself, and not just in small, ironic ways, like instructing you to be a servant and in the same passage instructing you to be a leader. See, to be a leader is to serve. But that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about historical "facts" being told differently by different people. Not personal accounts on stories, but things like the amount of time between Adam and Abraham.

He was saying how the Bible is imperfect, and its not the bible in which we place our faith. This is odd, I was always, and still am told to "stand on the Word of God" and the "Word of God" being the Bible. So I ask the question, if event "A" is untrue, how can I believe anything else to be true? Because it makes sense? That's not a very solid point to stand on. His response is, faith. I feel like that's the answer to any unanswerable question and while I go with it, I'm not always okay with it. Feels like a religious cop-out.

When it comes down to it though, it's not and never has been the Bible that roots my faith. It's my relationship. It's the experiences that I've had and personal life-change that fuel my faith. Scripture, I believe, is God breathed. But it's God breathed THROUGH MAN, who is imperfect. Making it the perfectly imperfect account. It's interesting how God works and mind boggling. Who am I to try to figure it out?

I will always rely on scripture and stand on God's Word, but when people point out discrepancies, it won't be a point of discouragement or confusion. It's an honor that God is using His creation to communicate His heart towards us. He believes in us that much, and trusts that if we follow Him we will be LIKE him and a living example of the Word that is God.